Why Breaking Up With A Narcissist Feels Like Detoxing From A Drug | Melanie Tonia Evans


It takes us completely by surprise …

The feelings of losing our mind, being out of control … and trying to STOP ourselves wanting to go back …

Even when we know better!

We understand that things don’t change.

We KNOW that every time we return, within a short amount of time all the dread, pain and horrible feelings came back again.

And we were still walking on broken glass waiting for the next inevitable bomb to go off – which of course did.

I call this period, after breaking up with a narcissist, ‘aftershock”.

If you think that the feelings and trauma we experienced in abuse was bad – it truly does go to a whole new level when you leave a narcissist or are discarded by one – because now you are dealing with (I believe) one of the most (if not the most) deadly and powerful addictions on the planet …

Being addicted to a toxic person.

Breaking free from this addiction is an excruciating and gruelling thing to go through because the intensity of the pulls and hooks to go back to the narcissist for SOMETHING, or ANY excuse, is beyond mere mortal understanding.

Until ….

Knowing WHAT this addiction really is, how to break its deadly grip and the ways we can FINALLY get free from it.

Because not only do we stop the pining, obsessing and powerlessness, that was all we knew in contemporary attempts at recovery, we also get to dissolve and live completely free of our abuse symptoms as well.



Video Transcript

Today, I want to help you get really clear what an addiction to a narcissist is, why it happens and how to finally and completely break free from it.

This is vital information if you are hooked to a narcissist because truly this addiction is life-sucking and life-threatening.

Most of us thought that if we could finally get away and stay away from a narcissist that we might feel better, but were shocked to discover that we certainly didn’t.

I’ve talked about it before, ‘aftershock’, which is what I termed it as. And really the withdrawal symptoms we have to narcissists it like the shock of an earthquake after an earthquake because it can take us totally by surprise.


Narcissistic Addiction – The Most Powerful Addiction of All?

I’ve had ex-heroin addicts tell me that withdrawal from a narcissist is ten times worse than getting off heroin. I’ve never been a heroin addict, but I can understand what they mean because I know so many of you, like me, were horrified about how we kept going back even though everything within us was screaming not to.

Yet, we felt truly powerless to stop ourselves doing this. And we screamed at ourselves so many times,” I’m intelligent, I am strong with everything else in my life, so yet why can’t I give this person up even though he or she is so terrible to me? Why CAN’T I let go?”

We might think it is because we love this person so much, clearly more than we love ourselves, and for many people that feels really real. Others purport they are so enmeshed and connected because of sharing children with this person or having joint properties or businesses.

Yet, I can tell you, categorically, that there are so many people who are hooked beyond reason on a narcissist who say “I don’t even love this person. I don’t even have any children or ties with them. There is no logical reason why I would want them in my life when all they do is cause me grief and pain … but I can’t let go … Why??”

So, what on earth is going on here? It’s not logical. Logic, in fact, has nothing to do with it, just as it doesn’t for any addictions.


How Do We Get Addicted to the Narcissist?

Addictions are emotional, physiological and chemical.

It’s so interesting that we all know, with even the slightest bit of research, that narcissists are addicted to narcissistic supply as their drug of choice.

But what does this mean? It means that they are self-medicating some unhealed parts of the inside with attention and significance. Narcissists are empty and dead on the inside, therefore energy gleaned from outside of themselves makes them feel alive, and as if they exist.

But, why are we addicted to them? People may tell you its because they sucked your soul dry and they now have it, like the dementors in Harry Potter. It would seem like that and it truly does feel like that. But this belief and focus only keeps us addicted and trapped to narcissists trying to force them to make amends, in other words metaphorically give us our soul back by doing the right thing.

In this state we ‘need’ them to apologise, show remorse, atone for their wrongdoing and put right what they have broken, taken or destroyed.

Is this going to happen? No! Of course it isn’t and if we are orientated this way, it’s Wrong Town because the more we try to change and control a narcissist to do the right thing, the more we get changed and controlled by them and end up emptied out all the way to our demise.

In the Quantum World, there is a much deeper truth – we must become the change want to see. This means there is only one place to focus, take our power back and change our life … by focusing deeply and intently within ourselves.

And that is what this episode is all about: understanding exactly what constitutes addiction to a narcissist or in fact anything in our life (because I promise you the healing process is identical) and then addressing what it is within ourselves to no longer be suffering the addiction in question.

This includes all toxic relationships, substances and pastimes.

I want to share with you, point-blank now, what the emotional component of an addiction to a narcissist really is.

It’s this: You emotionally believed that this person was going to grant you love, approval, security or survival … and you didn’t as yet have these established within yourself.

That’s okay. Trust me, most of us didn’t!

As a small child you didn’t have these things shored up within yourself, so you looked to the outside through your caretaker/role models to receive these things.

If you didn’t receive them, and instead had abuse, or neglect, or conditional love, even if you now as an adult don’t feel ‘clingy’ to that parent or family member, there may be a deep part of you still trying to get approval and love and care from this person (and of course other people).

There are feelings of unworthiness, not being loveable, not being seen, heard of, or valued. And this can be our normal because it’s all that we have ever known.

We may still be having toxic enmeshments with a narcissistic family member, and/or we go on to our adult relationships with the wounds of either a narcissistic parent, or a co-dependent one who handed power away and didn’t bring us up with the awareness of being our own true power source, and therefore we are prone to having relationships with narcissists as an adult.

This was our problem: we feel powerless with narcissists. We didn’t know how to have our own established values, rights, voice or power and we were still unconsciously seeking a parent to provide us with the love, approval, security and survival to feel whole on the inside, that we didn’t establish when we were younger.


Self-Medicating With Addictions

If we don’t feel whole on the inside, then we organically have low to high-level anxiety and depression as our constant and this can be ‘normal’ for us because it’s all we have ever known.

And, until we know how to go inside and clean up our emotional fractures to establish self-love, approval, security and survival (and please know these fractures preventing this are from collective humanity traumas, past life traumas, epigenetic family traumas, and childhood traumas) then our only option is look outside of ourselves to get relief.

Alan Carr was on the money in regard to addictions with his book, ‘The Easy Way To Stop Smoking’ where he said being a smoker is like walking around with a pebble in your shoe, always feeling anxious. Then you have a cigarette and the relief is massive for a moment, like taking the pebble out of your shoe. However then without a cigarette, the pebble in the shoe feeling builds again and there you are having to have a cigarette to fix the feeling again. He also described it like picking a scab that just keeps growing back bigger and bigger.

The same is true with our unresolved, unhealed anxieties and depression, because we are not whole, we always have the ‘pebble in our shoe’ trying to resolve the feeling with something outside of ourselves, which will grant momentary relief, but then the destructive choice of self-medication is only growing larger to make the problem bigger.

Meaning bringing MORE anxiety and depression.

Think about this, when we have terrible feelings about ourselves such as feeling unlovable, unworthy and not good enough what do we do?

The answer is simple, we choose ‘junk”, bad food, alcohol, cigarettes, mindless social media, addictive expensive habits that create financial stress, porn, destructive sex and toxic relationships.

Likewise, we cling to and choose narcissists over and over again despite them hurting us so much. We know they are TERRIBLE just like the block of chocolate, greasy burger, cigarette, the bottle of spirits, or the horrible gossiping we do with friends about other people, yet we do it because somehow, we keep going back to this person, hoping they will grant us the salvation and relief that we turn to the other things for also.

And, it’s a big hope because if this person is a family member we hold onto the notion ‘they should love us and treat us with kindness’, or if they are a love partner we hold fast that they have to return to the person they entered our life appearing to be ‘finally someone who I connect to who sees me and understands me, and cares for me’ (the narcissist was very good at identifying what was missing in your life and then appearing as this person) … and if the narcissist is tied up with a vocation or a business deal, you may have all sorts of survival and financial hopes pinned on this person, even though the real-life evidence isn’t good.

Our mind can be a very powerful tool trying to convince us of faux realities that our body, the true gauge of things, is totally in opposition to.

But this is only a part of the addiction puzzle …


The Physiological Cellular Addiction

Trauma bonding creates enormous reasons why we get hooked in and even feel like we will die without the narcissist even if we know we are dying as a result of staying.

I really want you to check this video of mine out regarding the 5 types of trauma-bonding. This will help you get why the addiction to a narcissist can be so strong and how horrifying it is when we are hooked to someone and keep turning towards them, even when they are hurting us the most. This used to be so confusing and devastating for me as I know it will have been or is, for you too.

However, this is the thing that you really need to understand to get free of your addiction to a narcissist, when we boil it all down. The biggest reason I believe for the addiction is physiological.

It is the peptide addiction.

To put it simply, the hypothalamus in our brain, regarding our interpretation of events (the brain signal) creates an emotional cocktail known as a peptide. There is a different peptide for every emotional state, such as joy, lust, anger, fear … and they can even be more specific such as heartbreak, powerlessness, victimisation etc.

Science with lab rats has found that when peptides are dispensed to rats, they are more addictive than any synthetic narcotic and that rats will forgo all food, self-care and even water in favour of getting their hit of a peptide they are addicted to. Good peptide or bad it makes no difference.

How it works with humans is this: the emotional cocktail that our brain produces and spreads throughout our entire body is then accepted by specific receptors (specific to every particular peptide) in every cell in our body.

The bigger the emotional intensity of any event means the more peptides on that topic have been created. The more that peptide hits our cells the more the cells of our body takes in and get hooked on that peptide. As our cells continually split and multiply, the receptor docking point to receive the peptide that is commonly absorbed doubles. This means that we literally get addicted and hardwired to any emotional states that we are receiving large emotional doses throughout our cellular network.

We become a hardened drug addict to states like anger, victimisation, powerlessness, resentment, heartbreak, and betrayal, all biggies that are synonymous with narcissistic abuse.

Negative peptides, like junk and toxins, are extremely damaging, they strip cells of oxygen and nutrients and break down their integrity. This causes a snowball of more of these terrible emotional states, and the more we produce them the more we receive them and the more we get hooked on them.

And the more they provide the VERY states that we are trying to self-medicate ourselves away from.

Yep … that’s the deal.


How Your Cells Crave For More

The terrifying thing is when you start detoxing, meaning trying to stay away from the narcissist, if your cells have not received their peptide of choice for a while, the cell will hold back some of the peptides then secrete it out into your bloodstream, and it then hits your brain which then is forced to think about the narcissist again, and before long you are easily back in the stinking thinking (obsession) about the painful things that happened, so that your hypothalamus receives more of these signals.

The peptide is then manufactured in your hypothalamus again and dispensed, and your cells heave a sigh of relief as a result of having their hardcore addiction fulfilled.

This is why when you get on Abuse Forums and vent or break No Contact, initially you may feel better, but then because of having taken the action that is cementing you in more of the state that you are attempting to break free from, it all comes back even harder again.

Addictions are serious, absolutely. They are like a runaway train gathering speed with no way off until we heal from them. Narcissistic abuse and its common addiction to the narcissist, is incredibly serious, because so much is at stake, including everyone and everything that is dear to us, and … our soul.

I hope you understand that leaving and getting off and away from the narcissist habit is like detoxing from the hardest drug you could imagine.

It is physiological, chemical and emotional. As we all found out, it can’t just be addressed within your mind. Your brain in trauma and addiction this severe can only give you every thought and reason to keep stuck in the trauma and go back to the source of the trauma (the narcissist), truly.


The Shift Out of Addiction

What is needed is a cellular shift, which is a consciousness shift (consciousness is cellular, it’s not directed by your head, it takes place in your body).

The following is how myself and so many people beat the addiction to the narcissist, in record time without the white knuckling coming down off a chemical drug experience that happens contemporarily. We accessed how to cellularly be in our bodies, load the trauma up and release it and replace where that was with our Higher Superconscious Self which has the power to heal what we can’t.

This literally smashes the peptide deadly loop. The cells are no longer holding the trauma they were previously hooked on, and the brain which has now had a synapse reforming onto different pathways (the brain follows the body always), is no longer wired into thinking about the trauma.

Hence, when we do the inner work, the Thriver Way, over time the triggers dissolve away and there is no more negative peptide manufacture.

Gloriously and powerfully what starts replacing all of this deadly loop is the good stuff, feelings and thoughts of health, wellbeing, fullness, love, empowerment, safety, confidence and the like.

We literally have hardwired ourselves beyond the Old Self into the True Self.

Does this make sense?

I promise you this process works for any hard-core addiction you have to any person, substance or pastime. The healing, as I said before, is identical.

If you start connecting to my inner transformational resources, you’ll get to experience this level of freedom without the withdrawal agony. That is the Thriver Way. So many people in this community not just beat the coming off a narcissist, they have applied my healing methods to all sorts of addictions, every one of them that you could imagine.

And it works!

So, you can get this started now by signing up to my free 16-day course, which has a stack of free supportive resources for you.

As always, I look forward to answering your comments and questions about this very important and fascinating subject.


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Melanie Tonia Evans is an international narcissistic abuse recovery expert. She is an author, radio host, and founder of Quanta Freedom Healing and The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program. Melanie’s healing and teaching methods have liberated thousands of people from the effects of narcissistic abuse world-wide.

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